Gandalf

Last night, the library held its second annual Mystery Party, set up as a big, live action game of Clue. Last year, we had fairly straightforward character names taken from the game, and we were left to our own devices to think up details. This year, they chose "books made into movies" as the theme. Students dressed up as the Wizard of Oz characters; Harry, Ron and Hermione from Harry Potter; Max and the Wild Thing from Where the Wild Things Are; Sam-I-Am from Green Eggs and Ham; Dustfinger from the Inkheart trilogy; and Jadis the White Witch from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. My colleague Loren Crow, our Bible professor, dressed up as Darth Vader, and I was Gandalf.

The murder victim was a screenwriter, Mr. Write. The game began with Steve Silver, the detective, introducing each of us, and we had a minute or two to give an opening rap. He told us in advance that he would ask two questions:

1. Where were you on the night of the murder?
2. What happened?

Last year, I used this blog to compose mine, and I wound up pleased that I'd recorded it here for memory's sake. This year I didn't compose it here, but I'm nevertheless going to set it down so I can look back on it later. It's pretty clearly a step down from last year's, but a few of the bits went over well.

"A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he intended to.

Where were you on the night of the murder?

"On my way to Hogwarts. They've hired me as an adjunct; I teach spelling. But I soon realized that there was a stowaway on my eagle: Gollum had climbed aboard, smuggling explosives in his underpants. We took an emergency detour to the Cracks of Doom to drop him in. Again. After that, my eagle needed refueling, so we cut across to Oregon and I sent him out to fish for salmon, while I swung by this library to check out some rare books. I dig rare books.

What happened?

"Knock knock.

Audience: Who's there?

"J. R. R.

J. R. R. who?

"That's what the screenwriter said! I mean, no Tom Bombadil? Merry and Pippin turned into something out of Dumb and Dumber? Frodo reduced to a whiner with one facial expression? Saruman vanishes from the story right in the middle with absolutely no explanation? I'm telling you, at one point the screenwriter wanted the trees to do a song and dance number to 'Let Me Ent-ertain you!' I decided to kill -- to kill -- to -- (violent fit of coughing)

"Sorry, too many centuries of smoking pipe-weed. I've been trying to kick the hobbit.

"Anyway, I decided to sneak up on him, make blinding light come out of my staff, and give him a good grilling! Unfortunately, I mispronounced one word in the spell, and made fire instead of light. And as for the grilling, weeeell ...

"That's what happens when you don't spell-check."