Toot

So tonight, the library is having Mystery Night. It's a live action game of Clue. They asked me if I'd be part of it, and they gave me the name "Sergeant Skittles." They didn't tell me much else, except that I should have an opening speech explaining my role in the game. This is what I came up with.

"Skittles, here. For many years, I was head of the vice squad in Hershey, Pennsylvania. Those were mean streets. Without warning, you might find someone had thrown a Jawbreaker. And then your teeth would tumble to the ground. Krackel! More than once, I barely escaped a beating, or a bullet, or feeling my bones Crunch, thanks to my two assistants, Mike and Ike. They were real Lifesavers.

"On the side, I moonlighted as head of security at the chocolate factory. One night, I heard a ruckus and stepped outside to investigate. There was a man demanding that we let him in. He definitely was not a Jolly Rancher. It was ... Boddy.

"He had thought up his own candy bar. I think he'd been to a few too many state fairs, and had seen a few too many deep fried inventions, because he tried to turn the method inside-out. His big idea was a chocolate-covered pork chop. He'd tested it on a few focus groups. Named it after himself. And when they bit into it, and he asked, 'So do you like the taste of the Boddy?' he never quite understood why none of them stayed around long enough to fill out the questionnaire.

"I listened to the end of his sob story, and I said 'Shut your Gobstopper.' When he lunged at me, I buried my fist in his Jelly Belly, and the boys took him out. I thought I'd seen the last of him.

"It was later that same night that I first met ... her. The love of my life. As soon as she walked in, I saw that she was quite the Red Hot. I thought, Payday! It was my Baby ... Ruth. Her eyes, her lips, her Mounds, her Watchamacallit. She was my Almond Joy. We liked to get all Nestlé and watch the Milky Way. Then we'd step outside to look at the stars. I began to dream that maybe we could raise our own Junior Mints, who might grow up to think that their Pop Rocks. But I didn't count on ... Boddy.

"Looking back, I don't quite remember which of my jobs I was working when I met Ruth. That should've been my first warning. Boddy homed in her weakness. He found the temptation; he knew she had a long history as a groupie. And when a rap concert came to town, he got her a phone number, and then a hotel room key. When I caught up with her, I said 'Listen here, Miss Smarties. I thought you and I were a perfect match before I knew you were a tart!' I turned my back, my heart broken in Reese's Pieces, but it wasn't until I heard her Snickers that the first hot tear ran down my cheek, and I thought, This is what it sounds like when Doves cry.

"The next morning she left town on a tour bus, snuggled in the arms ... of M&M.

"Despite all that, I am not guilty of the murder of Mr. Boddy."