Thursday, January 29, 2009


The school paper put out the word for people to send in short Valentine's Day messages for their honeyloves. They offered to publish them under pseudonyms. This was, of course, too good of an offer to resist, especially since I'm technically the newspaper's faculty overlord. Anyway, when I should've been working, this is what I whipped up:

From: Humpty Dumpling
To: Lovezilla

Honey bucket, our love is a picture drawn in graceful strokes and vivid colors that started out as a fingerpainting by a toddler with alien-hand syndrome, but was swiped off Grandma’s Frigidaire® by a wizened old stevedore with an extra nostril and a secret love affair with three wigmakers, all sisters, so he could code into those hypnotic, Pollockesque swirls a hidden message detailing where the booty from the bank heist might be unearthed some moonlit night, as the nutria frolic under the whispering elms for joy of fertility and outsized rat exuberance.

And that black and melon polka dotted blob to the left of center, shaped a little like the squirrel parts your dog threw up under the ottoman? That’s a special kiss from me for each of your sweet, sweet eyebrows. Treasure it always.

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